2. Instinct

There's no place for love at this time in my life.
I envy those who achieve the balance of need.

Opportunities ignored in the interest of
safe-ness, flying toward my ability's

determined focus. Children gone in their own
living-dreams direction, their lessons learnt

and heeded. My job's complete. Is this my way
of avoiding the 'empty nest' syndrome? Gath'ring

materials for comfort as I settle to old age?

___________________________________

Here I question my right to attend university at the age of 48.
Am I being selfish or is it time to be selfish having devoted the necessary years to my children. I know they've grown up well, I've done my job and now I've decided it's my turn...
A HUGE decision - a brave decision considering I was frowned on by friends and some family who considered it a foolish risk.
But I needed to step out - look forward to the next phase, past 'empty nest' and before 'old age'.
Accepting it's up to me to fill my life and feel fulfilled and at last, I've got the time to consider how I could do just that: feel fulfilled.
I'm saving my soul - feeding the inner me, taking my time back like a young teenager with the world at her feet, I'm striding out into a brave new world.
I just hope no-one noticed amongst all those clever, just out of school 18 year olds, just how old I was :o))

The Return of Rainbows

The Return
of Rainbows

Driving down Alexander,
(early morning rush hour)
lecture on documentary film.
Eager for knowledge, I noted
low, broad bands of colour
spanning the sky above Uni.
Ignoring the grey clouds,
I welcomed the return
of rainbows to my life.

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This piece introduces the first section of my book 'Hidden Capacity ~ a poet's journey' called "the Return of Rainbows", taken from my chapbook of the same name, written in my first year of University at the age of 48.

It's a cerebral celebration of how I felt when exposed to a wealth of knowledge and the company of learned people. Surrounded by 18 year olds fresh from school, I was sometimes intimidated, always excited and thirsty - I wholeheartedly recommend a return to study for anyone who is thinking about it.

This poem came to me literally whilst driving to University, down Alexander Drive and the sky was full of threatening rain clouds. But I was so full of anticipation of what I was about to learn in my Documentary Class, I ignored all the greyness around me and only saw rainbows returning to my life after some very hard and heart-breaking times...

Inspiration

Inspiration 1 - THE RETURN OF RAINBOWS

Why do I now prefer writing in my bedroom when I have a perfectly good study - a space cleared for thought? I feel inspired to dream while I’m awake in here - not there.

Is it because I’ve just coated the room and everything in it a lilac pink? Is that the colour of my inspiration?

Or does it illicit forgotten memories from my childhood? The baby-pink bedroom of my spoiled youth, the dear faces of my parents, still missed after so many years. I’ve been through so many colours since then.

But perhaps I need to visit them once again, in my imagination.

Maybe this shade is my mood-connection to the past. I’m alone now, responsible for the world I live in and my painted walls.

Or could it be something to do with the womb - a protective colour - a safe haven for my dreams. Help that I need in a harsh world, often too over-whelming for someone totally unprepared or never expecting to be the ‘Bottom Line’.

A softness, which evokes feelings and comfort, which allows my mind to wander and explore, knowing I’m enclosed and private, separated from others who see too much.

Or is it the large mirror with its elaborate edge reflecting my thoughts surrounded by soft, gentle, allowing colour?

I look at myself in the frame and from the ‘truth’ of distance - an inner ‘truth’? Is that what empowers my exposure? Is distance enabling me to write such secret, forgotten feelings in my journal?

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In the first lines of this first piece, I've arrived at a time in my life where I've finally allowed myself to be utterly selfish. My children had grown after a divorce into balanced, well-educated adults living their own lives, so I took myself to university.

It was my time to put myself first, my needs first, my dreams, soul and heart first, to follow my bliss.

So I'm speaking here, directly from my heart, remembering my childhood in Africa and the struggles of my dearest Mum and Dad who died many years ago and who would have been so proud to see my words in print.

I published this book for them and for my brothers, children and extended family, just as much as for myself.